| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|01:30 am] |
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write here. So many emotions, and not one of them can be accurately described. Sometimes words are so useless.
My brother is a very sick kid. They think they know what he has, but aren't totally sure. I'm praying that they are wrong and he will just get better on his own, but logic tells me that won't happen. They say he has a form of vasculitis, which is a very rare autoimmune disease. Bascially he's got major problems with his lungs and kidneys. The treatment for the disease is not pleasant. It involves massive amounts of steriods and some drug used in chemo. Without the drugs, he will die. With the drugs he could also become very sick...It can't be cured, but if it is managed, people can live "close to normal lives", presuming the drugs don't do too much harm.
He is on steroids now, but they probably aren't the right ones because they haven't gotten the test results back yet. They make him very feel sick. He is being treated like a guinea pig. Becasue his disease is so rare, all the doctors and interns are getting their turn to see him. This is the kind of thing you only see in textbooks.
It's not right. He was the good kid. He is the good kid. It shouldn't be.
People think they have problems, until they have real problems. When I think of all the stupid things I have cried over, I feel really stupid.
I can't do this. I slept all day, and I want to go back to sleep. I need to do my yiddish homework, and the readings I promised I would for my INLE group.. among other things. I can't, but I need to. If I fail out of school that isn't going to help anything. But I can't. And then I feel bad for being an emotional basketcase. My brother is the one that has to go through this, not me, and he is taking it.
It's weird the funny thoughts that go through your mind. I'd like to say I spent the whole day thinking about my brother, but I didn't. I thought about the craziest things. Like working on a cruise ship, cooking stir fry, getting married... I guess I was thinking about my own life. What happens if I get sick? While I have experienced more than my brother, I still have so much left to do.
I know I need to be here for my family, but all I want to do is run away and join the circus (figuratively speaking you know). A part of me wishes I was just never a part of this, so that I could run away and never look back.
If anyone would like to say a prayer for my brother, you're more than welcome. His english name is Shawn (as most people reading this would know), and his hebrew name is Shmuel Zanvel. I'm not a particularily religious person, but I do believe in G-d, and the afterlife, and I beleive that Shawn isn't ready for that anytime soon. |
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