| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2007|12:39 am] |
So I'm sick again. It is something new literally every week.
Up until friday morning my stomach still hurt and I thought I was going to have to go back to the doctor's. Well by Friday afternoon my stomach felt pretty good. Then within hours my sinuses start hurting. Okay, no problem it's just allergies right? Well apparently not. I have this rediculously horrible cold that just appeared out of nowhere.
Nothing quite like beingaround a bunch of people and having to blow your nose every 5 seconds or risk shnot pouring out of your nose. It's really attractive, really.
Eh well despite the physical crappiness, shabbis was fun. One big sleepover party with a fair bit of religion thrown in. Wheee charades!
So work tomorrow morning and then I'm supposed to be going Jane and Erez's wedding. Well given the way I'm feeling right now it doesn't look like i'll be making it to the wedding. I could only imagine: Jane and Erez under the chupah, about to take their wovs, and all of a sudden i have a sneezing attack. That would be just wonderful, no? I unfortunately can not get out of going to work. As it is I called in sick last week. Oh and school on Monday and dentist on Tuesday. What a wonderful time to get sick. |
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| It's days like this, that I wonder if I am mentally disabled |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|08:19 pm] |
So had two papers due on tuesday that I didn't hand in then. I stayed up all night last night to do them, but spent half my time on facebook/lj... doing what I don't even know. No one else was online at 4am of course. So I managed to almost get paper #1 done by 7am. Took a quick shower and headed to Yiddish class. Barely passed my midterm, but okay could be worse. Then I find out that a paper was due today (oops). Then I race off to pump out another paper, and did so in 2 hours flat. BUT stupid founders computer lab doesnt have printers, so I emailed myself my work, and went to the library. There I found out that I forgot to save something, and had to re-edit the damn paper which took another half hour, then I ran out of money on my print card, and the machine wouldn't take my money. Trip to the atm, and back upstairs. Lost my sweatshirt, and found it randomly tossed on a desk. Think I'm beginning to loose my mind. Head over to 8th floor Ross and change my practicum placement to Charlton. Finally something works out. Hand in my papers to the main reception, and make my way outta there. Stop by shoppers and pick up some super pretty (and expensive) eyeshadow etc. Get home just in time to change and run to work, but OH WAIT my Yiddish teacher loaned me a CD and it is nowhere to be found. I lost it. Craaaaap. I'm freaking out now becuase it's neot exactly something I can replace by going to the local HMV. So I make the executive decision to skip out on work, and go back to York to try and find it. I think I left it at the education office, but of course by the time I get there it is all closed up. Damn. So I come home, feeling sick, feeling my IC acting up, and feeling like my Yiddish teacher is going to kill me. Blarghhhghhh I better find it tomorrow.
To make matters worse, I think that Meridith on Grey's Anatomy is dying. Why do I insist on watching all these medical shows? Is it just because Alex is the sexiest doctor ever? lol |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|03:46 pm] |
I've decided that I am never becoming an alcoholic. The hangovers are just too brutal. I feel so sick... nauteous, headache, throat is swollen shut and can't talk. I need to lay of the sauce for a while.
In better news though, I've been treating my bladder like a toxic waste dump, and it is now feeling better than it has in weeks.
Some things in life just make no sence. Correction, most things in life just make no sence.
I'm going to go and pass out now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|01:10 am] |
I am so rediculously, totally completely effing drunk right now. I must say, i love it, but maybe that is the alcoholic in me talking.
I really hope this doesn't make me feel worse.
I just want to be a normal, stupid 19 yr old girl, is that so much to ask?
It's so hard to tell people you are fine when you really are not. I wish I could say
I was great and really mean it. I feel selfish, but I need to feel better, I just need to.
So I peed 300cc's just now. For anyone that doesn't know, 500cc's is normal capacity, but 300 for me is great cuz I usually feel like dying at 200cc's or less. The only problem is that 2 or 3 days from now I will probably be crying in pain. I really hope not, I reall just want everything to be normal.
Damn bladder.
I'm feeling very self destructive at the moment. A big part of me doesn't even care about my future...going to school, working, being a teacher, getting married etc. I just want to be happy, that's all I want. I want to be silly and stupid and drink reduculousds amounts of alchohol, possibly ingest various illegal substances and totally space out for a while.
Sorry for the drunken ramblings...
tequila, I <3 thee. |
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| frustrated and tired |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|02:59 am] |
So I slept like all day today, and I enjoyed it.
Sorry to those who I have been ignoring lately. I have a feeling I am going to loose all my friends over all of this, but I'm just no fun to be around right now.
I've tried to pretend that nothing is wrong, and I think I have done a pretty good job of it, but it is just too hard. I know that things could be worse, but just the fear of things getting worse is too scary.
I was so happy with the way my life was going, and I finally knew who I was. Now that has all changed. I feel like I am watching my life, but not really being a part of it. It's hard to explain.
I just want you to all know that I love you, even if I don't necessarily show it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|07:46 am] |
I'm officially done first sememster.
Why am I not happier?
Oh yea... all that other sh*t.
My grandmother fell tonight and nearly broke her neck. Stubborn people bother me, yet I know I am one too.
I'll be working on 2 hrs sleep tomorrow, so if you see me and I'm acting all uppity and weird, it's the lack of sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|05:22 pm] |
She made it through the surgery. The nurses say she is doing better than expected and might even leave the ICU soon.
I brought up the idea of the field study in europe to my mom. It's 3 weeks in Germany and Poland for holocaust studies. I know everyone thinks I am crazy, but I still think I want to do it. Not only because I get to travel. I know it isn't a vacation. I actually want to do the project that we have to do for it. I already have a tentative idea... a graphic novel/audiobook. But now I am getting way ahead of myself.
My mom actually didn't seem to mind the idea. Her only worry was if I had to come back early... if someone here got very sick. As much as I like to ignore the possibility, I know it exists. And, if everyone wanted me back home I don't think I could stay on, I would feel too guilty. I don't know why I'm thinkthing about this now though.
I need to study yiddish.
Ikh hob a kopvaytik (I have a headache). |
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| When it rains, it pours... |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|02:55 am] |
when it rains it pours. That's what my dad said on our drive home from the hospital tonight, and it's so true.
To make a long story short, my grandmother hadn't been feeling well the last few days. She had really weird, intense stomach pain, but it didn't feel normal. Okay, so friday she goes to the hospital, and they see some kind of an obstruction of the intestine. Not good. Tomorrow morning she goes in for a surgery. Without it, she basically explodes, with it, who knows. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I can't. It's too much. Life is unfair. I hate it, and love it at the same time.
I know she's old. It doesn't change a thing though. |
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| I need a hug |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
He looks fine, it's so hard to imagine that he is that sick, but he is. I have to stop researching. But, it's too late. I don't want to get the words out, because it makes it that much more real. Maybe for doctors an 8 year survival rate sounds good, but not to me, not when we're talking about a teenager, just a kid. Maybe he'll be one of the lucky few with no relapses? The info is so vague, and the studies so small, that I don't even know what the longest someone has lived with it is. Maybe it is better that I don't know.
Death scares me. A lot. Like it is the only thing in the world that I am really, truly afraid of. Seriously, throw anything else at me...put me in a tank full of snakes, drop me out of an airplane, starve me for a week. As long as I knew I wouldn't die, I wouldn't be afraid of any of it.
My mother doesn't know any of this..the facts and figures I mean. I don't know how much longer until she finds out. It probably won't be long now.
I want to run away from all of this, but then I would regret it.
I don't care about these stupid essays, I don't. I just want to drop out. I won't, but I want to. Then, another part of me is determined to take that holocaust course in europe over the summer. Have I lost my mind? Maybe. A part of me thinks that maybe if I overload my brain with tradgedy, it will desensitize me..if that makes sence. I know it doesn't.
I'm going to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|05:33 pm] |
So I spent the weekend at the hospital. Literally the whole weekend. Slept there Saturday night. That was not fun.
In any case, he seems to be doing okay. At first it was a bit scary. Every time the oxygen thing or IV beeped, I jumped. They gave him the second (cytotoxic) drug on sat night, and he didn't even get sick from it, which is good. Luckily a bunch of his friends stopped by too, even though he didn't want them to. I swore I didn't ask them to come...and I didn't. He looked so happy around them. I wish I could have made him that happy, but I know I'm his sister and it's different.
The car broke down on the way back to Thornhill last night. Actually, breaking down would have been a good thing. The brakes broke! We nearly rolled straight into another car, it was chaos. Got the piece of junk towed, and now it looks like we really need a new car.
Didn't go to class today. I couldn't. Between the 2 nights I had almost no sleep. Besides, I only missed one class today, and it is fairly slow moving (compared to the others). Tomorrow I have a big test, so I need to study for that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2006|12:13 am] |
I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their concern for my brother. I really didn't expect such an outpouring of support, and I greatly appreciate it.
Although I have been in a bit of a depressive state, I have also realised a lot of positive things. First off, life is for the living, and life is about balance. Sure, I can get upset sometimes, and I think everyone has the right to, and I can work/read sometimes (actually I need to unless I want to be broke and living off canned beans), but at the same time I need to go out and enjoy life. I can't wait for halloween, and I plan on going out. If my brother is still in the hospital, I will definitely visit him in a costume
Reading all of the memories that were posted on my facebook, and just listening to all you guys, reminds me just how much fun life can be.
Somehow I need to get this message across to my brother. Right now he is stable and even improving. He didn't even need any oxygen today...although his blood pressure is a bit high, so that's the trade-off. In any case, right now I'm less concerned with him dying, but more concerned with him living (which is obv a good thing, but still). I think he could benefit from a semester off of school. Maybe he could pick up a hobby, see his friends more. I don't want him to be bored stiff, but at the same time too much stress can hurt him. Besides the stress, the medicine can, and probably will make him feel sick. To what extent I do not know, but it would be very hard to sit in class when you are tired and nauseated.
I'm afraid that when he comes home, everyone will walk around like they are walking on egg shells. They will treat him like a china doll, and I really think that could do more harm than good. He has already refused to see any of his friends in the hospital, becasue he doesn't want to be treated "different". I understand his point of view, that wouldn't be me, but still I can understand it.
I just want him to have as good of a life as possible. I'm not suggesting that his lifespan will be shortened by this disease, but it is a possiblity that can not be ignored. Of course he should also try and enjoy himself, becasue being positive can (in my opinion) make someone heal better.
I'm going to see him for the first time in the hospital tomorrow. I'm exctied and nervous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|05:27 am] |
Just before my mother went to sleep, she said something that really bothered me. Yes, I know a lot of things have bothered me in the last few days, but this really made me feel bad in a different kind of way.
So we were having a not-so-lovely conversation about what life may be like for Shawn after this, and so we started talking about what his life was like before. Basically my brother was a workaholic. All he ever cared about was seeing high marks on his report card. I always used to make fun of him, tell him to loosen up a bit, go out with his friends etc. My mother said that he couldn't handle being compared to me. Even though she didn't do it, he was always jealous that I got good marks and went off to University. He was different and it bothered him. Fine, I get good marks, but I still try and have a social life. But it was the marks part that bothered him. I always tried to tell him that there were more important things in life than homework, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't like me, because he was jealous. And I feel badly, because it is my fault, he felt like he had to live up to me and what I was, and so he didn't have a life of his own. I think I always realised this, but I just didn't care enough to get involved. I could have tried harder. I could have taken him shoe shopping, or just baked cookies for him or something. I was a terrible sister. That smartass bitch who always thought she knew everything, but never took the time to know anything. What did he like? I don't know, he liked Joey (the dog) a lot. He liked anime, which I always thought was silly and childish, but who am I to judge, I still love cartoons.
Everything is going to change. I don't want things to change. The last few years I couldn't wait to grow up, be more independent, move out. Now I don't even care anymore. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
I said something really silly. I told my mother that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married or have kids. She thought it was directly realted to what is going on, but it isn't. I've kind of always been unsure, but now I felt like I wanted to tell her. Think I knew why at the time, but I forgot.
I have to be in class in 2 and a half hours. I've already done the homework, so I may as well go, but all I want to do is sit here and cry.
I think I really need to talk to someone who is religious. Hopefully they can try and explain to me why sickness and death happen, and what happens after it all. I know religion tends to bring up more questions than answers, but it's the only thing I can think of right now that might make me feel better.
A part of me is very selfish right now. I can't stop thinking "thank g-d it's not me". But it should be, I deserve it more, I've made more mistakes, and while I don't consider myslef a "bad" person, he is a better person.
I don't usually cry over things that happen in real life. But I cry all the time from movies. I feel like I'm in a movie.
It's ironic. He always thought that I was my parents favourite, and I always thought he was theirs. I didn't mind though, I was always the autonomous one, I didn't need or want help from anyone. I knew my brother needed more attention than me, and that was fine by me, actually I liked it. The more attention he got, the more I was allowed to do as I pleased. What happens now?
I feel so stupid thinking about the future, when I should be focusing on the now. What is most important, is that the medication stops any further organ damage. But I can't help but think of the future. What if the medicines make him sicker. Don't even ask about the yummy things they can give you...ranging from infertility (least of problems) to Cancers, and severly lowered immunity, which will allow any small illness to cause major problems. When the only treatment for a disease is toxic, its a horrible thing. Best case scenario is that the drugs can put the illness in a remission that can last years, and he can stop taking the drugs for that amount of time, thereby minimizing damage. That doesn't always happen of course, but I need to convince myself that it will.
Mt mother is a nervous wreck, and I'm afraid something is going to happen to her. What then? She is speaking totally incoherently, and on some kind of a starvation diet (while I on the other hand, could become the new spokesperson for chips ahoy!). I'va also been making lots of bad jokes, which only I think are funny, but maybe people just don't have good sences of humor.
He's only 17. It's a horrible age to get sick. Old enough to understand exactly what is happening to you, but too young to have experienced much of life.
This sucks.
I'm sorry for clogging up everyone's friend's pages, but I made this public for anyone who wants to know what is going on. I probably should have put it under a cut, but I can't think of how to do that right now.
If you prefer not to have depressing things show up on your friends page, you might want to ignore my posts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|01:30 am] |
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write here. So many emotions, and not one of them can be accurately described. Sometimes words are so useless.
My brother is a very sick kid. They think they know what he has, but aren't totally sure. I'm praying that they are wrong and he will just get better on his own, but logic tells me that won't happen. They say he has a form of vasculitis, which is a very rare autoimmune disease. Bascially he's got major problems with his lungs and kidneys. The treatment for the disease is not pleasant. It involves massive amounts of steriods and some drug used in chemo. Without the drugs, he will die. With the drugs he could also become very sick...It can't be cured, but if it is managed, people can live "close to normal lives", presuming the drugs don't do too much harm.
He is on steroids now, but they probably aren't the right ones because they haven't gotten the test results back yet. They make him very feel sick. He is being treated like a guinea pig. Becasue his disease is so rare, all the doctors and interns are getting their turn to see him. This is the kind of thing you only see in textbooks.
It's not right. He was the good kid. He is the good kid. It shouldn't be.
People think they have problems, until they have real problems. When I think of all the stupid things I have cried over, I feel really stupid.
I can't do this. I slept all day, and I want to go back to sleep. I need to do my yiddish homework, and the readings I promised I would for my INLE group.. among other things. I can't, but I need to. If I fail out of school that isn't going to help anything. But I can't. And then I feel bad for being an emotional basketcase. My brother is the one that has to go through this, not me, and he is taking it.
It's weird the funny thoughts that go through your mind. I'd like to say I spent the whole day thinking about my brother, but I didn't. I thought about the craziest things. Like working on a cruise ship, cooking stir fry, getting married... I guess I was thinking about my own life. What happens if I get sick? While I have experienced more than my brother, I still have so much left to do.
I know I need to be here for my family, but all I want to do is run away and join the circus (figuratively speaking you know). A part of me wishes I was just never a part of this, so that I could run away and never look back.
If anyone would like to say a prayer for my brother, you're more than welcome. His english name is Shawn (as most people reading this would know), and his hebrew name is Shmuel Zanvel. I'm not a particularily religious person, but I do believe in G-d, and the afterlife, and I beleive that Shawn isn't ready for that anytime soon. |
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| the crazy messed up dream part 2-crazy tattoos? |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|09:16 pm] |
Last night was pretty awful. After watching 2 episodes of Intervention (remind me not to use heroin if I ever get the idea). I finally fell asleep (around 4am). Then I woke up about 3 times during the night. I feel so sick! Ughh and I have a million and one things to do this week. Alright enough with the blitherblather.... I didn't dream last night due to waking up so much, but I remembered another dream that I had 2 nights ago....
so I'm on vacation in mexico with a whole bunch of friends...for some reason we have the penthouse suite, and there are piles of chocolate bars everywhere. Anyways, I get the brilliant idea to get a tattoo, and I tell them what I want. I look over at it once it is done and it is not what I asked for at all! I wanted my initials, and ended up with something that looks like a child scribbled a house and a tree with stick people on my waist.. and it was huge! I totally freaked out! I think the dream was related to this tattoo parlour that I saw in Cancun, where it advertises "body piercing, Tattoos and plenty of BEER"... haha yea booze + tattoos= bad idea! |
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| the totally crazy messed up dream |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|05:39 pm] |
So I finally got this cold/flu bug that is going around. I feel like crap. It's crazy how you can go from feeling fine, to feeling so sick in a matter of hours.
I think that ehinachaea combined with cheese and manechewitz causes really weird dreams. I had a lot of dreams last night... but this is all I can remember:
The crazy messed up dream:
First off, I am at York, and there are cops all over the place. They tackle some random guy and haul him away, as a whole crowd of people with pitchforks and torches chase after them. I'm watching this whole thing, and I feel like it should have been me in his place. I don't know why. Then I am in a classroom where we are drawing diagrams of something. I remember the dimensions were 14 inches by 16 inches for something. Then comes the really messed up part. So apparently I have done something illegal, and I am on the run from the feds along with some guy. We hide out in a farmhouse and pretend to be brother and sister. I remember the guy reminding me that the whole place is tapped, so not to say anything incriminating. Well apparently the cops can't hear whispering, so I whisper in his ear "You know, you're not REALLY my brother", and we start making out. Oh yea, it was hot. I know for a fact he was not really my brother (thankfully!!eeek), because he was skinny with a scruffy beard, speaking of which I do not like beards, but apparently in my dreams I do....anyways, We go up to some loft, right above the horses stables where we think that no one can see us, and out of nowhere comes a very large, hairy guy. He says "what happened to your friend". I tell him I don't know what he means, "and then he says, "oh yes you do".
What was this all about? Dream interpretations please?? |
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| sears stories |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|12:20 am] |
Ah tonight was so wonderful. I was struck by a weird wave of nausea and spent 20 minutes crouched in front of the NASTY sears toilet (p.s no I am not pregnant). Luckily I didn'y actually get sick, which was amazing considering the stench in that place. Then I was interrupted by "Shannon to the menswear CSD please, Shannon to menswear"...because apparently the other lady was leaving, and the other guy that was supposed to be working with me called in sick!
What on earth makes people think that they should be able to pay off one credit card with another credit card?? 2 people today seemed bewildered that I could not process this request.
Why do people think that I can take back clothing that they have had sitting in the back of their closet for 6 months...yes, 6 months! "But it's in perfect condition", they say. Well good then, goodwill can have some nice new stock becasue it isn't worth anything to me.
Old ladies can be so cute. Tonight I had a phone call from Mrs. Goldhar...what a yenta! Did I really need to know her relationship status with her new boyfriend though? So cute, but not when it is 8pm and youre waiting to go on break.
I had a lady complain that the mens fitting room smelled like soap. I really don't see what she was complaining about, usually it smells like a locker room or worse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|06:54 pm] |
My grandmother is very random.
She just told me "Shannon, you must always think with your head, never with your heart, because thinking with your head will always lead you in the right direction".
As much as I wanted to disagree with her, and then proclaim that I planned on dropping out of school amd go backpacking through Thailand with a brigade of pot smoking hippies....I nodded my head. And that was the end of that.
Ed orientation was pretty boring, and the potato salad was raw.
I've decided that I need, need, need to win a huge lottery jackpot so that I can move out and have my own batchelorette pad. Balcony required. I promise to give a huge chunk of my winnings to charity and invest another good third of it. I will be taking suggestions for charitable organizations shortly after I win said millions. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|05:11 am] |
| 45 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about someone | | whats your name spelt backwards?: | nonnahs | | What did you do last night?: | worked (alone thanks to the other guy calling in sick), then came home and complained to various ppl on msn about how sick I felt | | The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: | skype, today. Looks pretty cool, except I can't get it to work. | | Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?: | uhmm no | | Last time you swam in a pool?: | Mexico. If hot tubs count, then it was Jess' boyfriend's old house. | | What are you wearing?: | not sure if it is a dress or a shirt, but it's hot... I was playing dressup. | | How many cars have you owned?: | zero | | Type of music you dislike most?: | screamo, sears style elevator music | | Are you registered to vote?: | yes | | Do you have cable?: | yes | | What kind of computer do you use?: | my room- old crapper, downstairs-spiffy LCD pentium 3 thing | | Ever made a prank phone call?: | kids helpphone when I was like 12. I still feel bad. | | You like anyone right now?: | tons | | Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: | both, preferably under the influence of something though | | Furthest place you ever traveled?: | Mexico | | What's your favorite comic strip?: | Zits | | Do u know all the words to the national anthem?: | ehmmm I think so | | Shower, morning or night?: | usually night | | Best movie you've seen in the past month?: | Prime, Pirates of the Caribbean | | Favorite pizza toppings?: | mushrooms, extra cheese, onions, feta | | Chips or popcorn?: | chips | | What cell phone provider do you have?: | telus | | Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: | uhmm is that some newfangled slang? | | Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: | no | | Orange Juice or apple?: | both | | Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?: | uhmm probably on break at work.. whatever old lady happened to be sitting there lol | | favorite chocolate bar?: | literally anything | | Who is your longest friend and how long?: | Erin (I think it was actually grade 2, not kindergarten but w/e), after that Jessica (gr9) and Laurie (gr10) | | Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: | we used to grow cherry tomatoes back in the day | | Have you ever won a trophy?: | no, but I made the Dean's list, does that count..no, eh? | | Favorite arcade game?: | Pong, racing games, Mario Party | | Ever ordered from an infomercial?: | no, but I love Ebay | | Sprite or 7-UP?: | either | | Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?: | McDonalds. I still have the hat somewhere. | | Last thing you bought at Walgreens?: | never | | Ever thrown up in public?: | do public bathrooms count? | | Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: | can't I pick both? Bah, fine then, I begrudgingly pick true love. | | Do you believe in love at first sight?: | lust yes, love... probably not. | | SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?: | uhmm neither. I have always had a crush on Alladin tho. | | Did you have long hair as a young kid?: | yes | | What message is on your voicemail machine?: | it ends with "laaaater". Which btw is very cool. | | Where would you like to go right now?: | to sleep. My headache is back. | | Whats the name of your pet?: | Joey, even though he's not really mine. | | What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?: | jansport | | What do you think about most?: | tons of things | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
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| Metric! |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|08:54 pm] |
ohmygoshness!
Metric will be playing yorkfest!
yey for free concerts!
so whos up for waiting in line for like a bajillion years to get a good spot? |
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